Without you
by Deamortem
Summary: A one-shot about Levi's efforts to make amends to Eren. Quite short but I really wanted to try writing something like this. It's sad so here isn't much romance but it is Riren (Ereri) so I hope you enjoy.


**this is just a sad Riren one-shot that I've been meaning to write for a while, though I haven't written anything this sad before so I'm not sure how it turned out. Anyway I hope you enjoy it and it's not too confusing. :)**

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"I hear they're talking about making the Survey Corps redundant." The woman spoke it before taking a long, slow sip of her tea, letting the statement hang in the air. I didn't answer, choosing to act like I hadn't heard her. I had known this news before so it was no shock. It lingered a moment longer before one of the other men at the table decided to reply.

"Well if our jobs done then it's only expected, we'll just have to find new ways to help the city." The thought made me want to wretch. I could feel their eyes on me, small sideways glances to gauge my reaction, so I pretended not to be listening. Of course I knew all their comments were directed at me. I stared off through an open window in the hopes to distract myself. Outside the day was warm, sun pooling on the fields that surrounded the castle and the faint wind making the long grass ripple like waves.

_"Corporal! Come look at this!" The boy shouted, waving his arm and shouting in the midst of the field. The older man shook his head but still followed, taking his time._

_"What is it brat?" He was slightly aggravated and it was too hot to be doing pointless tasks, "I've got better things to do than chase after you." The boy slapped his palm down against the bark of a nearby tree._

_"have you seen this/" He stared up into the branches excitedly, "It's an apple tree!"_

_"So?" The man gave a bored expression as he too looked at the tree; there had obviously been no fruit this year._

_"Well I was thinking that maybe next year it will give fruit and we could pick it to make pies!" he said it with optimism shining in his eyes. The man sighed._

_"There are more important things than food." He paused for a moment in thought, "But sure, maybe next year we'll make some pies." The boys entire face lit up uncontrollably as he followed the man back towards the castle._

The tree was full of fruit, branches bowing under the heavy weight of it's crop. None of it would be picked. I narrowed my eyes; I'd have to remind myself later to come back and chop it down.

"Maybe we'll be moved to the city guards? Though they don't need all of us for that." Another man asked, "Or construction; they'll need all the help they can get for that." He was speaking to all three of us now but really they all knew that I wasn't in the conversation; I wouldn't have anything to say.

"It's a shame really," The woman continued absentmindedly, "there are still teats to be done. We never really found out all the answers to our questions and we still have enough...specimens." She said the word carefully but it still jolted through me.

_"It's really alright Heichou, I don't mind the tests at all! Sure they take up a bit of time when I could be training but other than that they don't stop me from progressing at all!" the boy smiled but he was a mess. His eyes were shrouded in black circles and his body was struggling to hold him upright._

_"That's not what I mean. I don't ware about you're training or progress I want to know if you're alright." The older man asked again._

_"Of course I'm alright."_

_"Don't lie to me! you're legs are shaking and you can barely stand." He spat through clenched teeth. "They say it's necessary but you don't have to be so willing every time;, they would understand if you said it was too much for once. And I can't have you so wounded before a battle."_

_"I know, I'll try not to hinder the team." The boy looked down, ashamed._

_"That's not the point." The man growled, "What use is all of this if you die tomorrow?" The boy looked shocked for a moment but then his face grew soft and his eyes crinkled into a smile_

_" won't die." He whispered, "I have you."_

How ironic. It was almost so sick that it was funny and I let out a breathed laugh that dragged on my throat; if not for anything else to vent the madness of the situation. I knew that the others were watching me, eyes wide but not saying anything. maybe they were wondering what I was thinking, maybe they were scared, most likely they were pitying I blame them too, almost as much as I blame myself.

Almost.

"Hange, we'll talk about it later." One of the men spoke, trying to clear the crushing tension. "I think I might apply for construction. I'm still fit enough and it might be nice to settle down before I'm too old." Settling down wasn't an option for me though, not now. If I had bee rational then maybe I would have realised that it was never an option, even before him. I was always a fighter through and through. Now there was nothing other than the Survey Corps left for me to do, no other purpose left to drive me forward. The man who had just spoken looked at me.

"What about you?" He asked, "What do you intend to do?" I opened my mouth to answer pessimistically.

_"There's somewhere I'd love to go." The boy was leaning back against a tree, staring up through the leaves so that the patterns made by the falling light were drawn on his skin._

_"Hm?" The older man answered without opening his eyes. His head was rested on the boys lap and and he was enjoying the warmth of the sun on his cheeks while he was on break between training and meetings._

_"The ocean." The boy said dreamily, "Armin used to show me sketches and read me tails when we were younger; how the vast blue would stretch out to the horizon and then further still. How it's filled with fish, some as big as horses and when the sun rises it makes the wakes sparkle with all different colours. It sound beautiful doesn't it?" The man opened his eyes to see that the boy was lent over, looking down at him. His eyes were a glimmering blue-green, the colour he imagined the sea would be._

_"Yes, beautiful." He replied. "One day, when all of this is over and there's nothing left to fight," He continued, "We'll go there."_

_"Really!" The boy grinned._

_"Yes." The man smiled ever so slightly at his reaction, "We'll take the horses and leave in the night so that no one can stop us and tell us that we still have duties here; and then we'll get there early so that we can sit and watch the sun rise over the water." He closed his eyes at the touch of the boys hand on his cheek, relaxing into the soft feel of his fingertips as they traced the features of his face._

_"You've made a promise now." The boy laughed, "So don't go getting old now and forgetting!"_

_"oi, don't be so disrespectful brat." The man growled, "I won't forget."_

"I'm thinking of taking a leave of absence...to sort out some...things." I was surprised when I heard my own voice, stating a purpose, and unsure why I had only decided this now. I could tell that the others were shocked too, their momentary silence explained that.

"Really?" Th man asked, "I think that might do you some good. Are you going to do anything in particular?" I could tell that he was trying to get me to respond but I didn't want to, my reasons were private. I had known him for a long time but it still didn't feel right revealing it.

"Yes." I simply responded, ending the topic by looking away. When he realised that I wasn't going to elaborate he gave a sad smiled; pity again. I couldn't stand to sit in this room any longer, it was driving me crazy., I stood, chair scraping across the stone floor, and went to leave without looking at the others. My fingers dragged on the door frame and I stopped, the words struggling to reach my throat.

"Thank you," I whispered, "for everything all of you have done."

"We'll see you again though right?" The woman asked.

"Perhaps." I breathed, "one day but not soon." I left then without another word. I hoped they would understand; I've always found goodbyes the hardest.

I made my way to my room quickly, strapping into my 3D maneuvering gear out of habit rather than necessity. I took one last look around. The room seemed so small and dark now, like the past light had been washed from the walls, dragging the memories and emotion with them.

_The boys shoulder's were shaking heavily, the noise as he cried muffled by the pillow he held to his man beside him had been asleep but the slight noise roused him from his slumber and he groaned as he shuffled closer. He slowly slipped his his hands around the boys bare waist, pulling him close so that his back was pressed against his chest and his arms held the boys torso tightly. The boy stiffened._

_"I'm sorry for waking you." He whispered, hands flying up to wipe his eyes, "Please don't mind me."_

_"Don't be so selfish, I'm going to worry if you are crying every night." He growled, slowly turning the boys body to face him._

_"Please, I don't want you to see me in such a state..." He protested but was useless to stop the other man._

_"I don't care, I've seen you crying many times before." He looked at the boys face, wet with tears._

_"But you never cry..." He sobbed, "I feel so stupid for being the only one who grieves, you'll think I'm weak..."_

_"No," The man sighed, "I have just seen more deaths than you and though I never get used to them I know that I can't cry at them all. There is no shame in crying but equally it is no honor to the person. You shouldn't cry because they are gone but be grateful that they were here. The boy nodded weakly, sniffing as he wiped the last of his tears away. The boy fell into his arms and relaxed as their lips met and bodies grew close. The boy quickly pulled away though._

_"Corporal, have you ever cried for someone?" He asked curiously._

_"No." he replied firmly, pulling the boys lips back towards his, "And I doubt I ever will."_

That had been a lie. Sadness was inevitable but crying I hadn't thought that I was capable of that. I know now that I am fully capable of it. I never really understood why humans did it because I know for a fact that it doesn't stop the pain and it doesn't help you forget.

There was nothing else in the room that I wanted to take so I made my way down to the yard where the various recruits were busing themselves with packing down the remains of the training center. The two people I was looking for were carrying a crate between them, struggling silently to maneuver the weight. had noticed that there was a lot of silence around me recently. maybe it was because nobody knew what to say or could bring themselves to speak of it, though personally I knew it was the gap that he would have usually filled with speech.

"Oh, can we help you?" The fair haired boy stopped, motioning to the girl to put the box down as I approached.

"Yes actually." I didn't look directly at them as I spoke, it made it easier. "I'm going on a journey and there's some...thing I need from you before I can leave." I felt disgusted at myself for phrasing it like that. The boy nodded, smiling in an understanding way.

"I'll go and get it." He said without hesitation as if he had been expecting this; and know him he probably had girl however stared at me questioningly. I could remember a time when she had hated me, then later when she loathed me, but now sadness had forced her to forgive me.

_"How can you do this?!" A girl with black hair was screaming at the boy."How can you not see that he's using you?!" The boy shook his head, holding his hands out to grip her shoulders in an attempt to calm her._

_"Mikasa calm down!" Another boy with blonde hair touched her wrist._

_"You too Armin! How can you not see that this is wrong?!" She glared at the older man who lent against the far wall._

_"Understand, I know what I'm doing and I know that he wouldn't do that!" The boy explained._

_"I cannot allow this!" She shouted._

_"But Mik-" The other boy tried to stop her but was cut off._

_"It is not up to you." The man spoke, finally stepping forwards, "I know that you have never really liked me much but this is his decision, not yours?" As if to claim the boy he placed a hand on his shoulder,"And to put your mind at rest I wholeheartedly like him." The girl growled._

_"I won't believe that," She spat, "never." Then she turned to the boy, "You do realise what this means don't you? He's playing you so that you trust him but really it just makes it easier for him. If you don't obey it's his job to kill you, how can you be with him with that!" _

_"I know," he boy smiled, "But that doesn't mean I don't love him, it's just not something I can-help. Although I know that like this it doesn't work, after all I'm still a monster that can't be controlled and he may have to be the one to stop me, but I accept that. So please just be happy for us?" The other boy nodded._

_"Of course." But the girl said nothing._

I didn't smile as I spoke, there was really no reason to explain my sense of purpose but I felt that I owed it to her and on some level I could tell that she appreciated it.

"I'm going to the ocean." I explained, "I heard once from someone that it is very beautiful and I thought that the least I cold do was to go and see it." She nodded.

"Thank you, I'm glad you haven't forgotten." I looked her straight in the eye.

"I will never forget."

The boy with blonde hair returned, cradling a small wooden box in his arms even though he could have easily concealed it in one hand. He held it out slowly, waiting for me to carefully take it.

" I hope you have a safe journey." he smiled as he let go of the box, transferring the wight of keeping it safe onto my shoulders. It was small and almost fragile in my hands but the weight of responsibility it carried was so heavy that I could barely stand. I looked at the two, one innocent children, now hollowed soldiers.

"I'm sorry for everything," I whispered, "but thank you for this favor."

"Make no mistake," The girl began to lift her end of the crate again, "we're only doing this for him." I nodded; that made sense and made me feel a little better. I was still unworthy in their eyes, just like I should be.

I left to the stables, saddling my horse and tucking the small box into my pocket before I began to ride. One I was away from the compound and through the first wall, which was now always kept open, the scenery blended into a mass of trees and grass. Great planes and rolling hills, wide river and untouched lands under the horses hooves. It seemed so unnatural to be riding alone,unafraid of titans following me.

_"It's over!" The cheer rang out through the troops; finally the war was won. _

_"Corporal." The boy staggered over to where the man sat on this horse, breathing hard, "It's finally over isn't it."_

_"Yes." The man nodded, climbing down and walking over to him. Even through he was much younger he had already grown much above the mans height. The man tilted his face upwards, now close to the boy, and waited expectantly like he would usually do. It took a little while before the boy understood._

_"what now!" is eyes widened, "In public?" The man shrugged, eyebrow raised._

_"Why not?" He asked._

_"W-well what will people think." he stuttered, blushing heavily, "What about you're reputation and authority, it will all be destroyed..." _

_"The fight is over, I don't need that anymore." The mans lips turned up slightly at the corners, "I really don't care what any of them think of me. We're both alive and that's what matters so why not just kiss me this once?" The man had a look in his eyes that was slightly calmer than usual, like a relief that he didn't want to outwardly show. The boy smiled, wrapping his arms around the man and pulling him close. He pressed their lips together gently and squeezed the man close to him._

_ "So childish as always." The man the boys eyes were filled with happiness as he went to kiss the man again, barely breathing the words once their lips were close._

_"I love you so much."_

I had been riding for over a day now in one direction, with no clue where i was going or how much further it would be. The ocean was supposed to be so vast that you could see it past the horizon so why hadn't I found it. I clenched my teeth together.

"You better not have lied to me brat." It didn't matter though, even if he had I would still be willing to ride for the rest of my life and die looking for it if it meant that I could fulfill his wish.

It was selfish that I was willing to use this task as a means f relief from my hell. I deserved to be tortured throughout life for what I had done but in repaying my debt to him I almost started to feel better, as if I could make it up to him with this small deed. I would ride continuously through the days and stop only when my eyes could barely stay open to sleep. Even now I was trying to avoid the nights. That was of course when the nightmares would come, my memories flooding back unfiltered.

_"I refuse! I won't do it!" The man shouted, enraged but the sudden request. He stood between a blonde man, holding his had out to calm the man, and a small bared cell._

_"Please, it's not like anyone wanted this but the higher-ups are insistent. They're expecting it now and the sentence has already been place." His brow was creased with stress and his finger and thumb were massaging his temple. "Besides you agreed to it. If you don't do it now they'll likely kill the both of you._

_"I don't care. Let them try but those bastards won't lay a hand on him." Rage flowed through the man, his face contorted more than usual._

_"Think about it logically, if he isn't dealt with then there will always be the threat that the titans will return; we need to do this so that the people wont be afraid." A woman spoke out, adjusting her glasses awkwardly._

_"Thy have nothing to be afraid of, and how can you say this anyway? ou used him for you're experiments and now that it's convenient you're just so willing to kill him off." The woman flinched, bowing her head in shame; she knew he was right._

_"It's scheduled for three days time, there is no changing that." The man spoke, this time looking at the boy who was standing meekly in the cage. He stepped forwards, gently taking the mans hand through the bars. They shared a look, staring for a long moment into each others eyes. The older mans glare weakened and his head dropped, falling to the boys shoulder._

_"It's alright." The boy whispered, running his fingers through the mans hair, "This is what I expected and I am fine with it if it means that I can fulfill my duty to the Survey Corps. And you should fulfill yours too, then you can end this and live a normal life."_

_"But-" he began._

_"No." the boy kissed his to cut him off, their bodies still separated by the iron bars. The boy lifted his shaking hands to the mans face as he pulled away, "Don't tell me that you can't and don't tell me that you won't; it will definitely break my resolve. I don't want to die at the hands of a stranger... I love you and if you love me too then you'll do this so that I don't have to die afraid." The boys voice wobbled and tears brimmed over the edges of his eyes but he managed to hold his smile just long enough to convince the man._

I woke every night gasping for air. I've killed a great many people, or been responsible for their deaths, but never had it felt as painful as this. never has it killed me too. There was a guilt that lingered, haunting me because I he hadn't deserved it and no matter what I shouldn't have done it. This guilt, it was driving me into insanity, pulling me down into depression with grasping fingers.

But more than the guilt there was the pain. The pain of an empty gap within me that nothing could ever fill where he had been. it was a feeling greater than regret, darker than sadness. It left me hallowed, broke me a million times and never put me back together. I was a wreak without him, a mess, and nothing could fix that.

As we continued I grew weaker to the point when I could barely sit straight. When the sticky smell of salt int he air reached me and I saw the deep blue horizon I left me horse; staggering from weakness to the edge of the cliff ahead. I looked down at the calm blue waves far below, the small box clasped in my hand. I held it forwards.

"Hey, you looking brat?" I spoke quietly, "What do you think? Is it as beautiful as you always dreamed?" I sat down, feeling the wind blow across me as it rolled in from the sea. "I always used to imagine the ocean as the colour of your eyes but I was wrong; they were much more beautiful than this. I bet you're loving this though, all this water, there's even sand down there." I glanced over the edge, "I'm sorry I would have waited till evening to do this, to keep my promise about the sunset, but honestly I don't think I'll hold out that much longer, I hope you'll forgive me..." I chuckled, "Do you think they'll miss me when I don't return or have I served my purpose? It doesn't matter really, it's nothing compared to how much i miss you right now..." The words were choking in my throat and I knew that'd I'd be crying soon if I continued much longer.

"I never really had a religion, still don't, but I hope now that there is another life, so that maybe I'll get to see you again. You don't need to be scared anymore though, I'll never leave you again... I'm sorry for so many things, especially for not saving you on that day, but you were always so understanding... can you ever forgive me?" I was talking to the sky, not expecting an answer but the faint rustle of the grass in the breeze felt like a forgiveness as I stood from the ground.

"I'm going to see you soon so now you can rest in peace Eren..." I spoke his name as I opened the box, holding the ash close to my chest before stepping forward, "I loved you so much." I let myself fall, the gravity dragging my body towards the surf and the wind lifting my soul back to his arms.


End file.
